The following are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’ and are statements people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: [...]
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!”
The passerby [...]
This is the Washington Post’s list of winning submissions to
its yearly neologism contest in which readers are asked to supply
alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a [...]
I recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,
‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’
She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to [...]
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed [...]
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
“NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew!”
This announcement followed Gordon’s decision to take advantage of President Obama’s proposal to employ gang youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without [...]
GARFIELD ON THE OIL CRISIS
A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
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Well, there’s a very simple answer.
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Nobody bothered to check the oil.
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We just didn’t know we were getting low.
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The reason for that is purely geographical.
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Our OIL is located in:
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ALASKA
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California
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Coastal Florida
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Coastal Louisiana
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North Dakota
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Wyoming
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Colorado
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Kansas
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Oklahoma
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Pennsylvania
And
Texas
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Our dipsticks are located [...]
Understanding Engineers One
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and [...]
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,’Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
“So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute [...]