You Make This

The following are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’ and are statements people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget
ATTORNEY:  You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:     Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:     He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:     None. ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?
WITNESS:     Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death.
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
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ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.  The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?   What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral.
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ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

This is the Washington Post’s list of  winning submissions to
its yearly neologism contest in which readers are asked to supply
alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

I recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,
‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’
She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’
Her parents beamed.
‘Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.’
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?’
I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of  the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right.  I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he  finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb’s broken!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
“NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew!”
This announcement followed Gordon’s decision to take advantage of President Obama’s proposal to employ gang youngsters. The decision to hire them was  brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper
equipment, whereas Gordon’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with  millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon’s management team as most races are won or  lost in the pits.
At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew  able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had also changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to  Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of
Jeff Gordon’s wife in the shower.

GARFIELD ON THE OIL  CRISIS

A lot of  folks can’t understand how we came    to  have an oil shortage here in our  country.
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Well, there’s a very simple  answer.
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Nobody bothered to check the oil.
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We  just didn’t know we were getting low.
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The reason for that  is purely geographical.
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Our OIL is located  in:
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ALASKA
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California
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Coastal  Florida
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Coastal Louisiana
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North  Dakota
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Wyoming
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Colorado
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Kansas
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Oklahoma
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Pennsylvania
And
Texas
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Our dipsticks are located  in DC!

Any Questions?  NO? Didn’t think So.

Understanding Engineers One

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea.  I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.”
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter?  I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,’Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season..”

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”

“As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge…

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.”

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied , “My point exactly.”