You Make This

You have to try this, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!!  It is from an orthopaedic surgeon…………. This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can’t.  It’s pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY……) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number ‘6′ in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there’s nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

The term “nigger rigged” is no longer acceptable.

Effective immediately

This term will now be replaced with and referred to as a “Presidential Solution”.

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are spacial.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can’t hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I’d like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I’d store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty’s only a light switch away.

8 ) Man - ‘Fat Penguin!’
Woman - ‘WHAT?’
Man - ‘I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.’

9) I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone ,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room…

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND … the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately — illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ..

…. not me — I concentrate on solutions for the problems — it’s a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes!

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq …. why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this — you cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians … it creates a hostile work environment.

Where to Live …

You can live in Phoenix where…
1.You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that ‘dry heat’ is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME??!!

OR, you can Live in California where…
1. You make over $250,000 but still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and drought!

OR, you can Live in New York City where…
1. You say “The City” and expect everyone to know you mean  Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “Nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn (NOTE: if you even have a car!)
6. You think eye contact is an Act of Aggression.

OR, you can Live in Minnesota where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes all fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR, you can Live in the Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either ‘”n yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference too!

OR, you can live in Colorado where…
1.. You carry your $300000 mountain bike atop your $500 car!
2.. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center
3.. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR, you can live in Ohio where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

OR FINALLY, you can live in Florida where…
1. You eat “dinner” at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people..