You Make This

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old…well… You’ll love this one.

My name is alice smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.  I noticed his dental school diploma, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy, with the same name, had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought… This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended fair view high school.

“Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a  bulldog,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?”  I asked.

He answered, “in 1975.  Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!”, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked,

“What did you teach  ???”

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the  receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.’

DON’T FUCK WITH OLD FOLKS.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce.

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and a half, a nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It is made of concrete.

I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a grudge?

No, we have a carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She is going to kill me.

What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof?

She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at a drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says ‘Polish Remover’.

An Israeli doctor says ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in six weeks.’

A German doctor says ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.’

A Russian doctor says ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
them both looking for work in two weeks.’

An Illinois doctor, not to be outdone, says ‘You guys are way behind, we
recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the
White House for THREE MONTHS, and now half the WORLD is looking for
work……

His dizzy aunt ———— ——— ——— ——— Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes——  ——— ——— Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store — Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ————  ——- U Gogh
His magician uncle ———— ——— —— Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ———— ——— ——— —-A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother ——– Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ———– Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ———— ——— ———- Can’t Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ———— ——— —– Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ———— ——— ——— — Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ———— ——— ———- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ————– Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ———— ——— —— Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ———— ——— ——– Go Gogh
And niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

no need for words…