You Make This

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to  the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says  Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops..

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’  Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The  auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands~~

‘Are you  okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!

A  cannibal was walking through the jungle and  came upon a  restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat  hungry, he sat down and looked over the   menu….

+Tourist:                    $5.00

+Broiled  Missionary:        $10.00

+Fried  Explorer:            $15.00

+Baked  Democrat or Grilled Republican:   $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,  “Why such a price difference for the Politicians?”

The  cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one?
They’re so  full of shit, it  takes all morning.”

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on  the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked.

‘I’m waiting for Ralph to come home from work.’ The daughter-in-law answered..

‘ But you’re naked!’ the mother-in-law exclaimed.

‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in-law explained.

‘Love dress? But you’re naked!’

‘Ralph loves me to wear this dress,’ she explained.

‘Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.’

The mother-in-law left.. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so rovocatively.

‘ What are you doing?’ he asked.

‘This is my love dress,’ she whispered, sensually.

‘Needs ironing,’ he said, ‘What’s for dinner?’

YOU CAN VISIT HIM AT UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL ..WARD 8

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my  loyal pet, Biscuit,  and was in the checkout line when a woman  behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d  lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect  diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The  food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in  intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

The guy behind her was going to have a  heart attack as he was laughing so hard. Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.